OSIP Lex Personal Reflection (NOT THE GRADED ONE)

OSIP Dairy – Struggles of an introvert

Purpose of this story

The purpose of this story is just for me to recall the events. I do not want another trip to just fade from memory again. For example, The Europe trip. 10 fun days in Europe. That was 6 months ago. And there’s not much left, other than bits and pieces of a few memories here and there, and some soveneirs like the mini Effiel tower in my room. It’s just sad. Yesterday (21 Sep 2018, today is the 22 Sep) might very well be the last day we (SP students) will see them (the ITB students) ever again. We can plan a few trips here and there, but as you know, some might not attend. So it might be the last day I might see some of my ITB friends ever again. It’s sad. But it’s the truth.

This story will be full of personal feelings and experiences. I want to remember this trip. 20 years down the road, I might very well look back at this trip, remember this trip that might have shaped my future. Or remember how dumb I was back then to do some of the shit I did on this trip. There will also probably be many many typos. So bear with me. I just want to let it all out, I can’t hold it in. So on to the story!

First meeting! (Wednesday, 18 July 2018)

Its now 18 July, Wednesday, 2018. Time to meet my Bandung friends! Quick background: there will be 27 students going to Bandung. They will be split into 9 students per group, 1 lecturer to each group for a total of 3 lecturers. Will I be in the same group as Leon? Or not? Let’s find out!

3pm, 18 July. I head to the Administrative Briefing. However, since Poly 50 was also occurring on that day, there weren’t many people. Only 5 from my group came, 4 boys including me and a girl. There were supposed to be 4 girls and 5 guys (why can’t it be 5 girls and 4 guys? Oh well, better than 18 guys and 2 girls in my Engineering class lol). All of the names will be kept confidential, using only their initials. Please don’t sue me, I’m a sad little poor and maybe antisocial guy. Maybe not. I want people to talk to me. But I just cant start talking to people properly. In the trip, there are many fuck ups. So yeah. Im stupid. I might have an excellent GPA of 3.95, but if my social skills are crap, I would be too proud of it. Actually, Im not. I might very well switch places with someone who is popular, very social, lots of followers but a shit GPA. Might be better this way, But oh well. All of this is just a dream. I’m who I am. So yeah.

So who came on that day? Total, there are 4 guys, namely Dan, D, V, P and me. The 4 girls are J, R, C and Val. Yes, I’m already getting anxious. It’s just the beginning, Even writing this few letters down makes me anxious, But I have to step out of my comfort zone, write about it, and for the next few hours, do some recollections. Like I said, I don’t want this to be just another trip fading to memory. So back to the story. For the girls, only C came. I forgot which guys came, but oh well. Not important today. The very important part is the next part.

First impressions gone wrong – very wrong (Saturday, 28 July 2018)

Ok, it doesn’t sound as terrible as the title suggests. But it is. For the entire 12 day trip, this very day: the 28 July, 2018, is very very very very important. First impressions are SO IMPORTANT. Fucking up is just a no-go. And I did. Terribly.

28 July 2018 was the day of the Design Thinking workshop. It’s the day where we learn how to work as a group to solve the problems in the village during the trip. Coming up with ideas, problems, classifying different problems and making prototypes, all these. So how can this workshop be a fuck up on my part? Firstly: it is a full day workshop. So yeah. Enough time to lose my concentration, do some stupid things and ruin my image. At the start, Dan and I were the 2 talkative ones. Talking all day long non-stop, about random shit. But, I know from the start, this is not the right way, talking too much is detrimental to my image! So I didn’t talk so much, trying to hold it in. But I am still leaking, by far the 2^nd most talkative one.

Before you ask, Why is talking too much bad? The other Dan from the other group (there were 2 Dans in the trip) also talks a lot! But everyone likes him! Well, in this world, no one cares about whatever the fuck you do. Me and our group’s Dan (From now on, all Dans will be referring to my group’s Dan, unless otherwise stated) talk about our own shit, like what I did and so on. The other Dan was very sociable. I talked too much. At least I think I did. And this was not all of it.

Lunch time. We were supposed to group with 2 other mates (3 groups amongst 9 students, therefore 3 students per group). In that small group, we were tasked to do some interviews. However, I did nothing. I was just nervous, but that took over me. Being the only guy in the group (J and R, both girls, was in my group as well) for the first time isn’t easy at all. I crumbled under pressure. Our group ended up doing not much. Even worse, (if you are reading this coincidentally, please don’t take it personally) they left me to meet other friends. Did I do something wrong? Did I not have enough initiative? I don’t know. I felt so overcome. Oh well. At this moment, I knew that my first impression is already gone. Am I going to be known as the guy who talks about his own crap and does nothing for the group? Anyways, I moved on.

So for the remaining of the day, we did some ideation, and drew our ideas on a sheet of paper. This would be for the gallery walk, where everyone going for Lex would show their ideas to solve a problem. At this moment, being Leon’s student, I was told to be leader by him. Why not? More participation points! Ok then. A new challenge for me.

Gallery walk starts at about 4pm. Being the anxious guy I am, I didn’t really follow any of the girls. Or anyone in my group, in fact. I just walked around, finding my other secondary school friends who were in other Lex destinations.

The day ended, I went home as usual. But then I realized I have fucked up badly. First impression gone wrong. I talked too much of my own crap. I took no initiative. I didn’t talk to anyone else. I didn’t follow my other groupmates around during the gallery walk. This would place me in the running for the “worst groupmate”. And it was about to get worse during the trip. But first, the learning journey! Yay!

Learning Journey – Day 0 (Friday, 7 September 2018)

On the 7^th September 2018, we were tasked to go to a farm in an ulu place in Singapore. Ok then. So as usual, our group met at the same spot, took a Grab and we went to the farm. Except that I am still talking my own crap in the bus continuously with Dan. No good. I was leaking. I know I shouldn’t be doing it. But my anxiety was taking over. So rip me. The same thing happened on the ride back. I talked too much crap. Yeah. I’m fucking up left right centre. Everyday. The next time we’ll meet will be Day 1, at the airport at 12 noon, 11 September! Looking forward to it.

The start of an experience – Day 1 (Tuesday, 11 September 2018)

So I came to the airport at about 12 noon. Good to be punctual, you know? However, instead of joining my friends to have lunch at the airport, I opted to have lunch with my parents. This should be understandable. It would be 11 days before I see my parents again. I don’t think it’s a bad decision, but I still have some afterthoughts if this was a good decision or not.

Our SilkAir flight departs Singapore at 2.50pm and arrives at 3.45pm in Bandung. It was pretty uneventful, until something happened. The go around. It was fun, while everyone wasn’t really that happy about it. It’s ok to have your opinion on that matter. But the problem is that I talked too much AGAIN. I repeatedly said that it was fun and not scary. However, in reality, it isn’t. If the engines stop at that exact moment, everyone will die. Very insensitive on my part. Later in the day, we met our buddies, played games, and did stuff. Everyone was talking, so I was as well, as usual. At night, I realized my laptop’s wifi stopped working. This is important, as you’ll see later.

Buddy pairing arrangement! I’m the only one in my group who has a female buddy. Yay! But it also comes with drawbacks as well, e.g. can’t stay in the same home in the village.

The summary so far: during the DT workshop, I talked too much, had no initiative, didn’t do much. Learning journey day (day 0), talked too much. Day 1, talked too much, insensitive at times. And if that looked bad, day 2 was a disaster for me.

It’s already 2500 words at this point. It would probably easily hit 10,000 words at this rate.

A terrible mistake – Day 2 (Wednesday, 12 September 2018)

Everything went according to plan. Woke up, ate breakfast, went to ITB, did opening ceremony, and of course, I’m still talking too much. But I’m slightly more aware of it, so I tried to shut up whenever I can. What happened next was atrocity. Shopping time.

Day 3 will be the day we go to the village for the homestay, As such, the lecturers allowed us to go to a supermarket to prepare for the trip. Snacks, soap, hand sanitizer, you name it. It’s a supermarket. So our group went there to start shopping. However, me and Dan had different needs from the rest of the group. I needed a wifi adapter for my laptop, while Dan needed a portable charger. Thus, me and my buddy, together with Dan and his buddy, went to a nearby shopping mall to get them. Since I’m only with Dan, I can talk lots of crap about my own shit. He also loves talking, so why not just talk?

After that, our buddies asked us if we wanted to go back to the supermarket to meet them to eat. We said no. This was because I was already very hungry, so yeah. Dan and I ate first. However, after eating, our buddies asked us if me and Dan wanted to go back to the supermarket to meet them. I wanted to, but Dan didn’t. But it was already dark. I didn’t want to trouble my buddy to walk the dark road back to the supermarket, just because I wanted to rejoin my group. So, me and Dan went back to the hotel first. I feel ok, for now.

At the hotel, I went back to my room, showered and then just lay on bed, watching videos on my laptop. At 7:20pm, J (the other leader) asked where Dan and I are at. Dan replied promptly “at the hotel”. I didn’t. It was only 7:45pm that I checked my phone and realized that she asked where Dan and I was. If Dan didn’t reply, I would have felt way worse. It was starting to sink in. I have abandoned my group. I am supposed to be the leader as well. I had 2 chances to go back to the group, and I missed both. The leader has just abandoned his group for his own personal gain. I felt like shit. I am a terrible person. But I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t go back to the supermarket to find them since I was already at the hotel. I didn’t even apologize. I just brushed it off. A good leader will never abandon his group just like that. But I did. I am a terrible leader.

For the rest of the night, I just lay there feeling like shit. I regret abandoning my group. How would they feel about me now? I talk too much of my own crap, never took initiative often, and now, has just abandoned the entire group.

I had to make it up for it. I have 10 days to do something. I have to be a good leader again. I should stop talking about my own shit. I was determined to make up for it. But I had my doubts. Will they forgive me? Will they still hate me? Will I be able to regain my group’s trust? Will I be able to integrate back into my group?

To the village! – Day 3 (Thursday, 13 September 2018)

3100 words, only day 3. It’s gonna be long.

So not much happened today. But from today onwards, I shall stop talking. We went to the village, stayed at the homestay host’s home, ate dinner, and then went to sleep.

Interviews – Day 4 (Friday, 14 September 2018)

I couldn’t do much in the village to collect information. The villages only speak Indonesian. I don’t’ speak Indonesian. So, our buddies will be the one that will asked the question and note it down somewhere. That was during the morning.

After lunch, we started clustering the problems together. I chipped in a little, but J was primarily the one leading. I don’t think I did much more than the rest, so yeah. But at least I have shut myself up. Dan still loves to talk. But I know I can’t just keep talking. I have a mountain to climb, to regain my groupmate’s trust. I have 9 days to do so.

Dinner is served. Now, an example of how to gain popularity from everyone. W is D’s buddy. To say that what he did was creative would be an understatement. Since chicken parts were served, after eating them, he collected all the chicken bones and fed them to the village’s dogs. Instantly, people liked him.

Back to the city – Day 5 (Saturday, 15 September 2018)

We went back to the ITB campus. Time to start doing the persona! I know I should start leading. But there was one problem. A good leader has to do much talking to lead the group. However, I think I was hated for being the guy who talks too much. If they hate me, if I tried to lead the group, will they even listen to me? I was afraid. Afraid of failing again. If I fail, it will just reinforce the point that I talk too much. So I decide to stay quiet. Maybe if I stay quiet for a few days, the stigma that I talk too much might just go away. So I decide to do just that.

For the ideation part, I am not so sure whether the following parts occurred on day 5 or day 6. But for this purpose of just expressing myself, it isn’t that important. Sorry.

After lunch, we did some ideation – generating ideas to solve the villager’s problems. Then, a mini gallery walk to find out each other’s problems. As usual, J leads the group. I can’t just starting talking much. I want to get rid of the stigma that I talk too much.

At night, I set a goal. On the last full day (day 11), I’ll be bonded with all the other guys (namely D, V and P), chatting loads of shit together. Maybe I’ll be able to join their clique too. I have no idea how to spell clique though. I think this is how you spell it. So here it is. But how? So I devised of a plan. Firstly, continue staying quiet. For 3 days (Starting from day 3) I think I have stayed quiet, so that’s good. I should also start initiating a few conversations with them, and maybe even do some leading. I felt motivated. I think I can do it. I have 5 days to do it. 5 days is still plenty of time. If I can’t, then I must.

Ideation Day – Day 6 (Sunday, 16 September 2018)

A normal day. Went to the ITB campus, did some work. J so far has led the group for the past 2 days. At least, I have stopped talking crap for 4 days already. However, this also meant I was unusually quiet. But I think this might be better for me. Better to do nothing then to be annoying.

Before lunch, we did prototype ideas. V’s buddy, S, took the lead. After lunch, we went to shop for materials. W, V’s buddy, brought us to a few places to get materials for the prototype, using K’s car. K is Dan’s buddy.

What happened on the trip home was good. All the boys in our group, with our buddies, had a karaoke in the car. Singing random songs, blasting it out and having fun, while onlookers looked at us to see what the hell we were doing. I felt that this has helped in the eventual goal in bonding with V, P and D.

Back to the hotel room, and time to revisit my goal. How is my progress so far? Goal: to join P, V and D’s clique. But most of the conversations are one way, aka Me initiating the conversation. And those conversations didn’t last long either. But the car karaoke was a blast. Not bad!

Prototyping Day with some events – Day 7 (Monday, 17 September 2018)

Quite an eventful day. Good, bad, quirky.

So, we started doing our prototype. V was the project leader today. However, many unforeseen problems occurred. For example, the pully system won’t work. However, as an engineer, I had to make myself useful. So my goal for today is to be useful, solve some problems, contribute to the team goal of making the prototype work while also helping out in the construction of the prototype as well. Very few people know I’m actually from MAE. I should get that known. Maybe they would ask me for help? Then I would become more useful!

Alas, I helped to solve the pully system problems, while devising a solution for the gear system. I high-fived with V! I felt much better. I contributed to the group! I think I am slowly inching to my eventual goal of joining their clique. Hmm.

After lunch, we and the ITB students are busy making the prototype. I did some stuff as well, doing a little bit of cutting and string tying. However, there was just too many people doing work. There wasn’t much left to do. I just sat there. I felt accomplished, though. I did some work, I stopped talking crap for almost 5 days already. But the abrupt change in personality was, should I say, pretty sudden. Before I tell you about this, let me just say that I just want to write this down. It may seem a little awkward, but I really want to come back to this personal dairy 10 years down the road, and laugh about how silly I am to write this the way I did.

So, I was just sitting there. R came to me and asked if I was ok. As with any question, I would always agree. This time though, I was actually ok. In fact, I feel accomplished. However, she was the first one to ask me that. I felt cared for, that I matter. I don’t know how to express how I felt then. It felt good. So yeah.

Tonight was a special night. Results are coming out on the morning of September 18. Since the start of the trip, I have never went to anyone else’s room. But I know I should. I want to be more sociable. I wanted to be likeable. But also because I wanted to wait for my results, so by going to a friend’s room, I wouldn’t sleep. I feel that it would also make less people think I was antisocial. Also, it was because my roommate was there. This was so that my roommate would not need to go back to my room just because I was sleeping, causing him to not be able to chit chat with his friends. I was doing that the past few days, and it was quite selfish of me to do that. So, I also vowed to never do that again. I needed to gain trust, especially after my horrible mistake on Day 2, abandoning everyone else in the group. I actually still hate myself for doing this when I

Regaining reputation – Day 8 (Tuesday, 18 September 2018)

Today, it’s time for a mini gallery walk. Basically, it is a time to put up all our work including our prototypes and explain to other ITB students and lecturers on how we gathered the information from the villagers, their problems, our ideas and how our prototype can solve it. I talked quite a bit, explained some concepts and stuff. Overall I think I did good. Over the past 3 days, I feel that I am inching closer and close to my goal. This is good. Most convos are still one-way, but a few two-way convos have emerged.

After the mini gallery walk, we had to do some prototype adjustments. I wasn’t sure what was going on, so I didn’t really do much, since it was the ITB students who were doing stuff. Hence, I just sat there. R came to me and asked if I was ok again. I wasn’t feeling the best, but I’m not feeling too bad either. She asked me this quite a few times over the next few days. Each time she did, I felt better. I needed it to keep me going. If you’re reading this, thank you for caring. It really mattered a lot to me.

Then, our group and our buddies went to a karaoke. Time to sing! At first, I was just sitting there. But this was an opportunity. I know I am good at singing. And this is the perfect opportunity to be likeable. I had to do it. I must not let it slip away. I went forward, put a couple of songs in there, namely Titanium and Grenade (because I know the lyrics of the songs). How many songs are there in the playlist? Well, a lot. It will be sometime before I can prove myself. But obviously I can’t just remove other people’s songs. That would be selfish. So I waited.

About an hour later, Titanium was the next song. I took the mike and started singing. But it was drowned out by the gang cheer. Lol. Grenade doesn’t have a gang cheer though. So this was it. The next 4 minutes will be decisive. Will I be liked again? Will they not bother? Or will they hate my singing? I can’t screw up. I have 3 days left.

I just sang to the best of my ability. No screwing up now. And, after some time, I heard cheering for my name! Holy jesus. I needed it. It was so motivational. I felt rejuvenated. It felt surreal at the same time. They like it! I needed this. Time to succeed in my eventual goal I set for myself, which is to bond with V, D and P. After the song, even the computer liked it, giving me a really good score. That’s the icing on the cake. Or is it cherry on the cake? Why not both!

At night, J ordered pizza, our group went up to the sky lounge. V told me that my singing was good, and to be careful because I might break the many lightbulbs around. Hahahahaha! J replied with “bastard!” But I felt good. Did I succeed? Maybe I just did!

Proving myself to the rest – Day 9 (Wednesday, 19 September 2018)

Today is the day where we go back to the village and present our ideas. All is well. Our group played a game (bang bang chucky chucky). I lost and had to do a forfeit. Lol. Remember the time when I said I hated games with forfeits? I sure did! But this time it was different. It was a blessing in disguise. For the forfeit, I was told to sing Grenade again. Why not? This time, I was performing not just in front of my group, but the entire lex group as well. Of course, I did the best I could again. Why not? I felt good. (I am running out of vocabulary for saying that “I feel good” now. Lol. But not for long though. Day 10 wasn’t good).

After that, we went to a shopping mall. I deviated from the group a bit to buy some shirts, but I wanted my group to know. So I told D that I’ll come back later. However, he said “Why you tell me?
“. But I just wanted to be responsible. Unlike Day 2, where I wasn’t. Am I still hated by them? Did I piss him off? Oh well, small matter. Sometimes, I may take things too personally. I’m very sorry if I do. But I can’t help it.

After that, we ate some good food, and back to the hotel. Practised a bit of the dancing for tomorrow’s closing ceremony, and then went to sleep.

And it all falls down – Day 10 (Thursday, 20 September 2018)

2 Days left. Will I meet my goal? Or not? Hmm. I’m at over 5300 words now.

I wanted to do stuff. Help out with setting up the gallery walk. But I fucked up. I tried moving stuff around to help. However, at one point, I was impatient, and might have ended up pissing off P. Looking back at it, I might have ordered people around too much that time. I really don’t know why. Did people notice it? Hopefully not, but I think my groupmates did. I screwed up. I’m sorry.

It might seem small. But thoughts ran through my mind. Did I just throw my progress out of the window? Do P, D and V hate me now? I was thinking of giving up my goal. I didn’t feel good. But of course, I shouldn’t give up too easily. I only have 1.5 days left though. I’m running out of time.

Later that day in the afternoon, during the closing ceremony, we had a mini karaoke where we sang some songs. I was asked to sing Grenade – again. Why not? Prove myself again! Then, we did the closing ceremony performance. After that, R, the SP coordinator, handed me a handwritten note, saying how my singing was good. I felt relief. FINALLY! Senpai noticed me! But I was still thinking about whether I might have pissed my groupmates off though. At night, we went to the trampoline park at Paskal. It was fun! However, after exiting the trampoline park, I felt devastated. Why?

It was already the night of Day 10. 1 day left. I have no time. After exiting the trampoline park, my groupmates took a group photo, without the buddies, just the SP students. What happened was painful. V, D, P, J, C, R and Val (which was basically everyone but me and Dan) was about to take a photo. I tried joining. Will they accept me? Will they kick me out? Welp. It wasn’t meant to be. They asked me to leave. That was it. I have failed. All my effort, gone. I have tried and failed. 7 days of shutting myself up didn’t work. Singing it out didn’t work. I was devastated. After they took a photo, they asked me and Dan to join. I didn’t want to. I can’t stand the pain. I’m a reject. For the past 10 days or part thereof, I was viewed as “extra”. I wasn’t part of them. Rip. R asked me if I was okay after the photo taking. I said that I was. But I really wasn’t. I really want to thank you for caring though. It means a lot to me. It was almost Day 11, but I wasn’t bonded enough to warrant me part of their clique. I wanted to go home as soon as possible. I give up.

In the hotel though, I can’t help thinking. R was so caring. The next part might sound a little awkward but the aim of this is to look back at it 10 years later and recollect the memories. I can’t help it but think: does she like me? I really don’t know. She was so kind to me though. I treated her a drink that night because she didn’t have enough money. I felt so grateful to her.

The last full day – Day 11 (21 September 2018)

That’s the end. I have failed. I didn’t need to try to join their clique anymore, because I most likely aren’t going to. Oh well.

However, it felt much easier. I can just remain quiet. I didn’t need to initiate conversations anymore. There was no point in doing so. Not much to write here.

Although, at night, something happened. I felt good and bad at the same time. But I promised V not to disclose any details of what happened here. I will uphold my promise and not say so. I need to regain trust.

It’s the end of the trip. At 10pm, our buddies and our group are back at the hotel. It was filled with emotions. The past 11 days, we worked together. Helped each other out. Had lots of fun together. Did stupid things together. (aka shouted HELLO! at random people lol) But alas, all good things have to come to an end. It was time to leave. J played a few emotional songs that night. People cried. I almost did. Regardless of what happened over the past 11 days, I had lots of fun. Suddenly, I didn’t want this trip to end. I wanted this to last forever. To think that almost exactly a day ago (as of writing this, it is 9pm SGT on the 22 September), this happened. To think that we might not see them again is devastating. It is so emotional. Words cannot describe this feeling.

I watched them walk away. One by one, our buddies left the building. I don’t know what to say. It’s emotional. (I ran out of words. My vocabulary sucks)

I didn’t want to lose contact with them forever. I liked them. They were so friendly, so hospitable, so caring, so helpful. This prompted me to revive my Instagram account. However, I will stop posting random cringey shit anymore. Some would come to the airport the next day to say goodbye. However, only a few did. My buddy didn’t. All was not lost though. We still had a whatsapp group. We posted many photos in there. We will stay bonded forever, together.

As we go on

We remember

All the times we

Had together

As our lives change

Come whatever

We will still be

Friends forever

Goodbye – Day 12 (22 September 2018)

The bus stops. We walk off. To think that just 11 days ago, we were walking down the same path in the opposite direction, lugging along our luggage. We were curious of who our buddies were. Full of energy and hope. It’s surreal. A few of our buddies are waiting at the airport the send us off. It was time to say goodbye. With a few final hugs, one by one, we were called in to the airport for check in. Goodbye Bandung,

As the aircraft closes into Singapore, I felt depressed. I had so much fun the past 11 days, no matter what happened, good or bad. But now, back to normal routine. Sleep, eat, play a few games and go back to sleep.

Epilogue

Humans are social creatures. Regardless of whether we are introverts or extroverts, we want to be around people. We want to be liked, loved and accepted. We need it to survive. Us introverts are humans too. We need people to be around us. We may not be so outgoing as extroverts and might be socially awkward at times. But at the end of the day, we share the same blood. Love each other. Thank you for reading.

I actually feel better after writing this now. I can't express my feelings directly. But now that I have. I feel better.